♥♥♥: August 2012

I need a place to rant so I'm back here. Had a quarrel with mom via whatsapp, I really don't get it. Why give birth to me when you're not ready for a child like that? Yes, you may say you'd never thought someone like you would give birth to someone like me and how mighty you're and how horrible I'd be. But fuck my life, not like I want to be like this. Okay, maybe you think I've a choice but I don't want to spend my this life being someone to please you instead of being myself.

You said you know me best but no, you don't at all. I can't even be myself infront of you because you're judgmental, you can't accept me for who I am and label all my friends as bad company. You'd never like me the way I am and definitely my pals too. Am I that lousy?

You said I looked down on you guys, I never once did. You always assume, you'd never once stood in my shoes. You're quick at assuming, you'd never once gave me a chance to speak for myself and when I do, it
becomes an invalid argument because it's against you.
You twist the facts to get people to agree with you on how rebellious I am, how about times that I'm nice?
I guess nobody remembers the good parts about me. Remember that time I asked you to name some good points about me?
You couldn't come out with any. Ha ha ha ha, actually me too.
It's okay, I'm never once good.

Like I said, you do not want a daughter, just someone to make you proud. I can't be that someone, so I'm always unwanted, always abandoned.
If I could be that someone, I would love to. I'd never get love from this family anyway, not fatherly love and very little of motherly love.
A home? How does it feels like when it's warm?
To me, home is just a place to sleep in. Somewhere better than sleeping outside.
I hate myself. Hate myself for being incompetent.
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Does anyone knows the feeling of waking up everyday feeling unwanted? Feeling you lack love?
The person that gave birth to you tries to bring you down everytime she has a chance to? I've plenty of friends, I met people that were rude
and morons that would make nasty remarks about me. But none of them were up to my mother's standard, not only losing her in sarcasms,
her words were like sharp daggers stabbing through you and making you remember the significant pain in every word she spoke.
Sometimes, I wonder why do I deserve this kind of harsh treatment. Because I'm rude? But look, look at the way you reply me.
How do you expect me to be talking nicely? I've a temper too..
Ridiculous, especially in the way you can always make me cry so easily.
I cared too much, about you and your opinions which I never did towards anyone else's. Fuck, why?
Even as typing this, I'm tearing.
Goodbye.

Hi... okay maybe nobody comes and read this space anymore since I've neglected it for 3 months+! I've almost no time to blog and within this time space, many things have happened. I lost a good friend of mine and currently not in good terms with my mom. Moved out to stay with my girlfriend and life goes on as usual, I guess? Nothing much really changed.. I hope. :) Still strong, still striving to live the same. Hope my readers are living well too!

Okay, my purpose of blogging today is to wish my dearest girlfriend a very very very..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ♥

Baby, I'm guilty for not being able to give you a surprise or even any satisfactory celebration on a day that's important to you. I'll make it up to you next month, I promise. I hope you still enjoy your birthday, I hope you'll always be healthy and happy. Nothing matters more than the smile you should wear everyday.

I have no idea how to put my gratitude into words, how fortunate I am to have you by my side. Us, getting together shocked plenty of people around me and that there's many whom opposed this decision. But you had this amazing thing about you that made them accepted us in every ways. Many people questioned my choice of being together with you, they asked if I were just playing with you. At first, I used this mindset of trying out with you, but I didn't expect falling deeper, falling uncontrollably for you. I didn't expect you were this awesome, you to be this sincere. I always thought love is a come and go thing, I always think that it's no big deal to lose a partner because the next one would come by anyway, but no.. I do not want to lose you at all. I want to be with you, not forever maybe, but definitely as long as possible. I believe you didn't expect much from me at the start of this relationship either because I'm very far from your perspective of the cup of tea you prefer. But nevertheless, we still ended up together and still happy together now.

I never put in so much effort in a relationship before, or ever been this serious. I won't meet the lovers I had in my past for more than twice in a week because I think I'll get tired of them or even vice-versa. But towards you, I don't care if you'll ever get sick of my face, I feel very weird if I don't meet you for more than a day. Love is between anyone and the similarity in gender doesn't stop you from doing so. I adore you for who you're and I'm so lucky to be able to find someone like you whom accepts me for who I am. I never thought that I've been searching for someone whom is able to allow me to be myself infront of the person.

When we weren't living with each other, I love the way we'll chat on the phone every single night or even webcam because we missed each other. Now, we don't have to do all these because I've you cuddling me to bed every night. We'll wake up in the late evenings, go out/stay at home and cook a simple meal then watch movies till dawn breaks and fall asleep in each others' arms again. We go to school together, work together, see each other almost everyday and yet I still can't get bored of your face, I'll never have enough of you. I can no longer live without you for you're the reason I'm so dependent on you, so you've nowhere to escape anymore. I'll cuff you by my side towards forever! Are you afraid now? Hahaha. Without you, who would brush their teeth with me, give me morning kisses, feed me food and pamper me? Who would feel heart pain when I hurt myself, who would appreciate the little things I do, who would put in effort to know more about me? Who would tolerate my bad temper, my nonsense and who will do funny faces with me and not just be my partner in a relationship but also like a best friend, a soul mate? There's nobody like you and since I've found the one and only, I won't let you off so easily. ♥