Hi guys, I'm back to my abandoned space. Feeling pretty down now but I'll give a short update of my life before I proceed onto ranting about what's going on now. Well, I've been home for about a week since leaving this place for 3 months. For this 3 months, I had been staying with Khayen. Thanks for the hospitality and the cuddles we had every night and the memories we made, felt really cosy there. Was full of bed bugs' bite so I had plenty of scars around my limbs and I think it's kind of horrible because they looked like I've got skin disease or something. Will talk about that later.
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Cried till half of my pillow was drenched last night and woke up with fat eyelids. Sometimes I feel so suffocated, I want a break from everything but yet when I requested for one, I felt even more miserable than being suffocated rather than being release free. Then I woke up, feeling like I love Khayen Tan even more. But I always get questioned by her like if the promise I made to her was for real, the promise to be with her forever. Yes, I really meant it at that point of time but I don't know why as time passes, the commitment scares me and I feel like I want to run away from everything. I really hate being like that, always implying hurt to her.
Sometimes, I can't tolerate her clumsiness, but she's always trying to be caring and loving towards me which no guys ever did. She did better than any of my ex, any of the guy I ever met. But I really don't feel like settling down at the age of 17. It's not about love because I love her so much, I would cry even by the thought of her leaving or her face being washed by tears. If she's hurt, I swear to God that I would feel nothing lesser than the pain she goes through. But why am I so selfish? Why can't I commit while the girls out there make commitments like it's a must-to-do thing? I can't imagine being tied down by words, by promises, by confiscating all the freedom I used to have.
We created so many memories everywhere and everyday. I feel so comfortable with her like showing her my naked face or maybe snoring while I sleep or burp after I eat or hiccup loudly when I'm having it. It's like I don't feel embarrassed of being myself, like I show her my fats and how big my tummy is without hesitating if I would get judged. She's so perfect then what about me? Although she's clumsy but she never despise me of anything. If she dropped my phone, I get mad and pissed off but when I do so to her, she'll just let the matter rests and say I'm more important than her Iphone 4. Why can't I do the same? What a selfish bitch I am.
It's going to be our 7th month on the first of November and right now, I'm hesitating about the future we could have. What if I gave her false hopes and brought her from heaven to hell? Who am I to do such cruel things to her because of my uncertainty? We cuddled to bed every night for 3 months and I feel weird sleeping alone and now I can't sleep because I didn't hear her voice and feel like crying but I told myself I wouldn't. The feeling is so fucked up, I don't think anybody would understand. Never loved someone so much before,
Look at how silly I could get with her:
After I'm together with her, I got lazier. My make up went to 0 because I know she loves me for who I am and not my face. Because at her house, we discovered that there's portable aircon but it got really cold that the blanket isn't enough to keep us warm, she got me a pair of candy striped socks!
Isn't it the sweet things that people do that makes you feel loved everyday? Not just so, she made me tang yuan because she knew I loved them and for the whole week, she cooked that for supper to make me happy! She'll apply cream on me when I'd get bitten and wake up early to shower so I could sleep longer before work and get her ass up to get me supper or food that I craved for. Nobody treats me better than she do and nobody loves me more than her.
If I suggest stupid games like Maplestory, she would never say, "Huh.. don't want la! Play this game instead." She'll just create and account and download the private server and we go training in virtual together while being otp. Or she plays Pokemon on her nexus 7 and download it on my pc so I can join her in the game and we can share what kind of Pokemon we caught in the game. That idiot watched ultraman btw, I guess that's the show I totally showed no interest in but other than that, we would cuddle and watched Hongkong dramas on funshion or maybe pretend to sleep when her parents are in the room.
We spent quite some time assembling the cage and we kept buying stuffs to cover Boobie's mouth so that it doesn't bark at that delicate creature. I even ate with her buffets and everything, I don't even eat infront of my boyfriends because I think I looked horrible when I eat. (I know it's funny but yeah that's how I think). We'll think about our future even though I'm afraid to settle down but I really wish they would come true..
We can buy a pack of cig and chat about anything under the sky. It's like I don't have to care about what I say, like she won't think I'm stupid or what. We'll share our family backgrounds, secrets and point of views. We always discuss about things and we don't stop each other or change each other's points of view if they aren't wrong. She always make sure I go home or go to bed before she do. It's like being with her, I can have a future but it only pisses me off because she always do things clumsily which make me lose my cool. I really hope I have self-control too. 7 months in a relationship is very long for me, mine hardly last more than a few weeks. It's like wow.
We promised to migrate together, to get married somewhere else. To explore lands and to go to Japan to experience snow together. To have a house of our own or maybe adopt kids to let them live better than they used to. To do good deeds everywhere in the world. That's our dreams and we'll work hard towards it. That's the kind of person I'm looking for in life just that I'm not ready to settle down. I want a person that won't say I'm silly and be silly with me, I want a person that tells me that we can do it.
I hope I'll stop being so playful and would be mature soon.
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Last but not least, I hate people that judge us. Even when I used to be straight, I never judged people that are gays/lesbians/bisexual. Just because you're not any of the above, doesn't mean others are wrong. I'm happy with her and some idiots said I'm pretending to. For what I pretend to be happy? If I am, of course I am. Why should I lie? If I don't feel happy with her, then I feel happy with you meh? Don't try to be funny leh. I love her more than any of the guys I met and if you asked me who I love most and I said it's her, don't say it's ridiculous and untrue because are you me? Who are you and what are you to determine how I feel towards someone? By doing so, you'd be on my nerves only. People that wanted to break us up are retarded because you won't gain anything from doing so. So wake up that idea. Especially my friends, because if so, I rather not have the friendship than someone whom tries to control which direction I want to go in life. I don't interfere yours, you don't interfere mine and when I respect yours, I expect vice-versa k.
I'm proud to have her and never regretted knowing her.
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Of course, not to forget to thank to my precious baby girl - ReginaLLK ♥ ♥ ♥
Throughout ups and downs for 5 years and above, you'd never left me despite our tiffs and how serious our quarrels are. I treasure the bond we share and your existence in my life, always so thankful to have your listening ears to let me rant and your words to wake me up when I'm confused. My pillar of support to decisions I make and the energy I carry on to the things I've to do in life. I hope you'll score well for O'levels as well as not get ill because you're one weak sickling! I love you very much, thanks for all those never-ending supports and love towards me. You're definitely someone I can never live without, heh heh. Lecturing me at fb chat now btw.. sigh. Kk gonna reply to lectures already, bb people!
